by Nathan Marchand
April 1, 2016
After months of secrecy, I’m proud to announce on behalf of all of us here at LocoNotion Media that Children of the Wells will be adapted into an epic TV series—once we choose one of the three offers we’ve received.
How’d this come about, you ask? Well, I get to rub shoulders with lots of people in showbiz whenever I go to Gen-Con and other conventions (did you think I just sold books and cosplayed at these events? Pshaw!), and since my networking skills border on being superpowers, I managed to get word around about our premiere contemporary post-apocalyptic fantasy series. Interestingly, I’ve been approached by three producers, who all came to me because they love our books. (It might also be because Nick is awesome). The only problem is…they all have some crazy ideas about how to adapt them to screen.
The first was David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, the showrunners for Game of Thrones. Considering their success in adapting fantasy books into a television series loved by critics and audiences alike, they seemed a perfect fit. They loved the intrigue and complex characters, especially Bron and Calea. They told me how they’d adapt both The Select’s Bodyguard and The Fall of the House of Kyzer in their first 10-episode season, and I had to contain my geek-out. But then…
“This relational magic you have here,” they said, “we like it, but we think you should…narrow its parameters by making it sexual magic.”
“What?!” I blurted.
“The magic abilities are exchanged through sex. It’s not that difficult to understand. Plus, it’d let everyone see Calea and Kyrie naked every episode. We know some actresses who have both acting chops and hot bodies.”
“Um…I’ll keep that in mind,” I said.
The next producer just about made my brain explode because it was none other than Steven Moffat, the showrunner for Doctor Who and Sherlock. I can thank Jonathan Mayberry for making this possible.
Mr. Moffat told me he loved our books and wanted to adapt the initial Cataclysm storyline in three 90-minute episodes for the first season.
“That’s wonderful!” I said.
“And then we’ll wait five years before making season two.”
“Huh?!”
“I’m a busy bee, young man. Plus, I have to work around my increasingly popular actors’ schedules. Speaking of which it’ll be a bit harder getting Benedict and Martin to play Calea and Bron, respectively, what with them making Marvel movies now.”
“Hold it! You want Benedict Cumberbach to play Calea and Martin Freeman to play Bron?”
“Yes! Those characters have a very Holmes and Watson sort of relationship, what with Calea being the narcissistic know-it-all and Bron being the down-to-earth sidekick.”
“But Calea is a woman.”
“Benedict’s not opposed to wearing a dress.”
I facepalmed.
“Also, I like this Daveer fellow and want to give him a spin-off series where he runs around Lomara having zany adventures. Matt Smith is already interested in the part. He misses being the Doctor and loves how closely Daveer resembles him.”
“Thanks, Steven. May I call you, ‘Steve’?”
“Just call me when you’re ready to start.”
I gave him a thumbs up.
My last meeting was with Damon Lindelof. He could tell from reading the series that we’re all fans of the studio’s works. He also appreciated Nick and Tim’s constant defenses of the ending of Lost on their podcast, Derailed Trains of Thought.
Anyway, the first thing he told me was they’d start the show right as the Cataclysm happened and show the characters’ backgrounds in flashbacks. “But we won’t stop with that formula after the first few episodes. That’ll be the entire series.”
“Wow. That’s cool,” I replied.
“Yes. But we’ll need to change the story’s focus a bit.”
“How so?”
“The Cataclysm must be explored constantly. Its cause or causes needs to be a huge mystery the characters are trying to solve. We might even have them chasing after a mystery ‘magic’ box that has all the answers to all their questions. We’ll throw in some nonsensical red herrings to throw people off and keep them intrigued and guessing, only to make them feel like idiots later because in the end everything will be lies.”
“Um…okay…”
“We love the fact that Jaysynn has huge daddy issues, so we think all the characters need to have some. Heck, they can have mommy issues, too”
“Uh, come again?”
“Yes. Calea is the way she is because she had a perfectionistic mother she could never please. Kyrie will have a fight with her parents before they die, leaving her wracked with guilt.”
“They’re not dead,” I said.
“They die in the Cataclysm in this version.”
“But that—”
“—and we’re going to make Calea a cripple and take her to an island filled with magic that heals her legs so she can walk again.”
“The magic is inside people, not—”
“—yes, island magic! That way we don’t have to explain anything. Also, in later seasons, we’re going to have flash forwards that show the characters five years in the future. Bron and Calea will have married and divorced twice; Jaysynn will be bearded and broody; and Kyrie will probably be dead to explain why Jaysynn is bearded and broody.”
“Okay then. Thanks for your interest. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
Interestingly, each of these producers said they wanted to launch the TV series on the book series’ next publication anniversary, which would be April 1, 2017.
So there you have it, Wellsians. I’m not sure which of these offers we should take. They all have their positives and negatives. We’ll keep talking with each of these interested parties and let you know how negotiations will go. Feel free to offer any of your own input in the comments below. 😛
