Oh, That Depressing Thing |

by Nick Hayden
March 28, 2014

Calea’s lost arm?
Ben Andreas Harding via Compfight

When we–the writing collective that is Children of the Wells–discuss The Well’s Orphan, it’s usually referenced as “that depressing thing,” or by some equivalent phrase. Fellow writer Nathan Marchand accused me of being “downright nihilistic” in the story.

What’s interesting about these (playful) insults is that in person I’m an optimistic, glass half-full sort of guy most of the time. I have my deep philosophical funks, certainly, but they’re over quickly. In my writing, however, I tend to probe the spiritual dimensions of man. That’s the center of conflict, to me–how a person understands his place in the world and his relationship with God.

If you’ve been reading The Well’s Orphan, I’m sure you see how this is the crux of Calea’s inner journey. And even though Calea’s a harsh, unlikable person, I think her own thoughts and doubts touch real life for real people. For instance, in chapter 8, she says:

And I lie when I say I do not believe in God. I have felt nothing but guilt since the day I survived the well’s first attempt to swallow me–guilt for still existing, for wanting to exist.

In some ways, this is the essence of Calea’s deep dilemma with herself–guilt at existing. That seems terribly abstract, in some ways, for people suffering survivor’s guilt. But there’s more to it than that.

A few months back, I read an article discussing the change in sex morals/culture in Japan. (I know, a weird thing to be reading about. It was more sociological than anything.) One thing that struck me was that one counselor said her first step with many people was convincing them that they shouldn’t feel guilty for existing. It’s apparently a semi-common feeling among her clients.

I don’t find this strange. I think most people have unexplained guilt from time to time. Not just “Why am I here?” but “What good am I?”

I have my own answers to those two questions. Calea has hers. We’d agree, I think, if we were both honest, that neither of us are all that good. But I believe I have been made good by God in the person of Jesus Christ; Calea finds her own ways of dealing with her guilt, as you can read.

We all answer the question somehow. That’s why I let my characters wrestle with them. Not everyone happens to lose two limbs in a magic well, but everyone, I think, wonders where she fits in and if her life has any worth.

Sure, it makes a rather depressing installment but maybe it’ll stick in your brain a bit. If not, well, stayed tuned. You know what they say: not every story’s about a maimed, anguished female Select wrestling with an existential crisis. Just this one.