by Nathan Marchand
June 24, 2016
I could write a progress report on Bron & Calea #5, but the pertinent lessons I’ve been learning are summarized pretty well in the latest blog I posted on my own website. I also hinted at a few things in my previous blog here. Ironically, in that same blog I joked about how my fellow CotW creators were getting personal in their latest posts, but I wasn’t. Well, now it’s my turn to be a bit vulnerable since most anything else I could blog about I’ve done elsewhere.
My birthday is June 29. I’ll be 33 (going on 19, according to some—I look young). As Tim said of himself in his most recent blog:
“I’m still unmarried, unsettled in my career, and not nearly as financially stable as I would prefer. At times, it’s hard not to look at where I’m at this far after graduation and not consider myself a failure.”
While I, too, feel the weight of all of these things, the first is where I’ve been hurt the most and worst.
Since I was about 15 or 16-years-old, I’ve wanted to get married and have a family. Even so, I didn’t date much in high school. I thought it’d get better in college, that I’d meet my special girl while I was there. I didn’t. Then I figured I’d get married by the time I turned 25 like my parents did. That didn’t happen, either. It wasn’t from a lack of trying. Name a method of meeting people, and I’ve probably tried it. I’ve heard just about every bit of advice there is on the subject. Yet no matter how hard I tried, something always got in the way. If I wasn’t ignored or rejected by women outright, they dumped me later. Or the ones who “loved” me were crazy. Rarely was it me turning down a perfectly sane girl. I’ve heard just about every reason/excuse you can think of for why they didn’t want me.
So, with each passing birthday, holiday season, and dreaded Valentine’s Day, the weight has grown. I’m frequently told, “It’ll happen,” or, “You’re a great guy.” There are days—many days—these words ring hollow. If they were true, I wonder, why hasn’t it happened yet? Why is my love always unrequited? I’ve gotten to points where I describe myself as “the great guy no woman wants.” Ironically, on those rare occasions I write a love story, I’m told I write romance well. I have to resist the urge to say, “Well, when your inner romantic rarely gets to charm a real woman, fiction becomes his only outlet before I stuff him back into his mental cage.”
Meanwhile, I’ve watched most of friends—including many of my fellow CotW creators—get married. Some married the first person they dated. Others went through multiple heartbreaks before finding someone special. I watched God deliver them from the tragedies that beset them before, during, and after their weddings. Seeing this made me long not only for the love of a great woman, but for an epic love story worthy of being regaled by a bard. One that would be a testimony to God’s providence and power; a story of redeemed pain; a story that could give encouragement to all who heard it. I wanted a wife with whom I could serve and glorify God more together than we ever could apart. I know I’m not designed to be alone.
Yet I still am.
In many ways, I feel like I’m living in the middle of the Book of Job (or perhaps Psalm 88). I don’t know if my future will include the wife and kids for which I’ve longed for nearly two decades. I know marriage would be good for my family. I’ve made it no secret what my desires are to God. I must believe that these desires were given me by Him. Why He would leave them unfulfilled, I don’t know. I may never know. All I can do is go forward.
Which, I suppose, is all any of us can do. I’m not the only one who’s felt like he was in the middle of the Book of Job: life isn’t what you expect it to be. Nothing seems to go right. Or maybe it was going right for you and then it inextricably fell apart. You beg God for answers, but He seems silent. Hopefully, you’ve avoided getting condemnatory advice from (so-called) friends. I know from experience how painful and disheartening that can be. All you want is support, and they tear you down despite their good intentions. (Thankfully, my CotW cohorts haven’t done that with me).
If I can offer one bit of solace to you—and by extension, to myself—it’s that while Job didn’t get any answers to his questions (so far as we know), in the end he met and spoke with God in person (Job 38:1-42:6), and his fortunes were restored two-fold to him (Job 42:7-17). I can’t promise that will happen to me or you, but it’s the greatest hope we could ask for. I’m sure Job was doubly grateful to God for his latter blessings. For me, I’ve waited for so long for a wife, I know that if/when God brings her to me, that girl will be cherished.
I pray you’ll do the same when God grants you the desires of your heart.
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